Fear. An unpleasant emotion caused by pain or danger. Trying to be brave enough to face the spider in the corner of the room, to squish it or even go close to it. The first day of high school or moving across the other side of the world at 12 with no friends. Facing depression and anxiety or trying to repair a broken relationship. Having complications during pregnancy and being told everything is okay but you know it isn’t. Well that’s me. Or maybe it was me?

When Piper was born I think people assumed I may get post natal depression, or maybe I thought that about myself. Could I handle the pressure of motherhood, especially with all the problems we were facing?

After years of suffering from depression and anxiety, at times so bad I would be sick, it was only 15 months earlier that I had stopped taking medication to try for a baby. At that point I had been taking pills for over two years, which was a battle in itself. Sometimes being brave is taking the step to take medication, acknowledge the problem or get help. I prayed and prayed when I stopped taking them that I wouldn’t start having attacks again and as soon as I stopped I was completely healed. I haven’t had another attack since. I surprise myself sometimes but I have God to be thankful for that. Thankful he gives me the strength to get out of bed everyday with a thankful heart. Thankful that my daughter is here, alive and thriving off love. Most of all, I am thankful I chose to give my life to Christ a few years ago.

“Be thankful in ALL circumstances for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus”
– Thessalonians 5:18

I have learnt since becoming a Mother that I have to be brave. I had to learn pretty quick. I was being brave every time I walked into the Neonatal ICU. Watching her attached to so many wires and listening to beeping machines, having to go sit in the ‘expressing room’ so I could give my baby breast milk, but not in a bottle, through a tube. Holding her for only an hour a day and sometimes not even at all. Piper was so fragile, I had to be careful not to pull the tube out, or the needle in her arm or I would watch that the alarm doesn’t start beeping. Then it’s time to leave and you have to be brave again. Kiss her and leave knowing she can’t come with you. Then as the months roll by I have to see her go through more tests, more surgeries, more sickness and longer stays in hospital.

Sometimes I just cry, because I don’t feel brave, strong or courageous. Then I look at how far we have come and what we have endured and I can say, I am brave! I am brave because I have to stand there and hold her hand and tell her its okay because Mummy’s here.

“For I know the plans I have for you” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you future and a hope”.
– Jeremiah 29:11

Sometimes we don’t understand why things happen to us. The situations we face and the circumstance we are in. I certainly didn’t prepare for this. What I know is, even when I feel abandoned by God he has me exactly where he wants me to be. I just have to journey it through with him. He is the oxygen I need to to survive.

There are so many great verses in the bible that get me through my darkest days. I know he suffers with us and he celebrates with us too. He is the God of miracles. The God of peace, strength, healing and the God of victory.

“I pray that God, the source of hope will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the holy sprit”
– Romans 15:13

Brave. Being ready to face and endure danger or pain but showing courage. I never thought of myself as brave. But this last year has cemented my faith and how valuable I am. How valuable I am in Christ, as a wife, as a mother and as Leigh. As I have discovered just how I am unconditionally loved by Jesus I am able to know I can be brave enough to face anything that is thrown my way. So if I can encourage you today, if you made that phone call to the doctor, if you acknowledged you have a problem, if you held your child’s hand, if you squished that spider in the corner of the room or whatever it may be. You are brave.