When I fell pregnant I had an expectation of life being all sunshine and roses. Everything you hear and the photos you see tells you to expect a cute little bump, your boobs get bigger and you want to have sex all the time. You feel your baby kicking, you can eat for two and it’s just a 9 month wait until the big event! Well no, just no. The reality is you are a cranky hormonal mess, crying over anything like your husband saying he’s going to tell your child Santa isn’t real? You are always tired, sick and vomiting from the morning sickness, which is silly because you can be sick at any time of the day. Your boobs leak, back aches and want your husband nowhere near you. You get weird cravings and just want it to be over. You lather all sorts of creams and oils to prevent stretch marks and then you experience birth, which is a whole different ball game. Well that was me. People just don’t tell you these things. I’d be lying if I said pregnancy was good, for me anyway, maybe for the odd few. The reality is, it’s also one of the most amazing moments, knowing that you carried, gave birth and are holding such a precious little girl, and she’s all yours. That all those months of pain and discomfort are worth it, the most amazing gift of all. A true miracle.

Once your baby is here you have more expectations. Expectations like the way you hold them, feed them, choose their outfits, the sleepless nights, getting excited because everyone can baby sit and still going on date nights. The reality for some people is that those expectations are thrown straight out the window by a diagnosis, tragedy or something else unexpected. Then you start to grieve what motherhood should be like. What people say it’s like. What movies show you its like. How you experience your mum friends. That special bonding and cuddle time and so much more your missing out on.

I have done a lot of grieving over the past year. I haven’t grieved a diagnosis because I don’t believe that defines Piper but I have grieved this ideal of what I thought motherhood should be. I was grieving an expectation. Is that selfish?

When I was first told the positive result for Piper’s diagnosis (22q11.2 deletion syndrome) we had already experienced 5 weeks of surgeries, tests and more. Then boom, we got hit with this, we weren’t expecting it. A realisation that your child is faced with a lot of health issues already and will be for the rest of her life. Can we do this? I felt ripped off for sure. I felt like why us? Why Piper? Why would God want her to suffer? Are we being punished?

As times gone on, I’ve given these questions to God, some still unanswered but I’m reminded that he has stayed faithful through this journey and in fact we are extremely lucky to be chosen as Piper’s parents. Of course I wish she could eat like other children, hear like other children, not be delayed, need oxygen at night, be fed through her tummy and all the other things BUT the reality is she has taught me so much about strength and courage. That in fact, despite all these health issues, motherhood is amazing. You still get to watch your child grow and show her personality. It makes the milestones that she reaches so much more special. She needs 24 hour constant care but I get to do that with her. I don’t have much choice but to sit in the one spot until her milk is finished (20 hours). The blessing is I get to experience all the little things about her and I don’t miss out on much. I get to play with her constantly and every single day I’m filled with joy. Despite all the exhaustion, the sleepless nights and the things you see her go through, she just smiles and it really makes it okay. The love I have for her and the love she make me feel outweighs everything else. Reality is, it is damn hard work but it is the most rewarding thing I will ever do.

I may have missed out on the expectation of motherhood but I have gained so much more. A friend said to me at the beginning of my journey that grieving allows you to let go of what you thought was best and take hold of God’s better, and how true that has been for me.

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
– Romans 5:3-5

I have learnt that this past year, although I have suffered in pain for Piper, God has also produced so much good, and I think He will keep producing it. God uses the suffering in this world to bring about some good. Although it was not His original design, He uses the pains that rattle our world in ways we may not see.  At times I have been discouraged and lacking in faith, feeling abandoned but now I’m realising instead I’m hoping for the fruit born out of suffering.

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!”
– 2 Corinthians 4:17

Expectation – to live a life never to hurt, to suffer, to feel pain, to lose that loved one, be heartbroken or face health issues. Reality – it happens to ALL of us at some point in our life. It’s how we choose to respond which determines how we get through it. This doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but we must remain in God, for there is a purpose and a plan behind it all. Sometimes it can’t be seen at first or even for a while but keep going and don’t give up.